There is so much I long to say. Thoughts, feelings, ideas, never expressed. Words that never break through the swirling chaos of my mind, or beyond the steeled walls of my heart. Trapped, they slowly build as an energy, until they frantically try to escape like a rat from a cage. Internally I struggle, as I smile and laugh my way through the days. Never quite sure when the wheel will stop spinning, and where it will land. Once in a while it will attempt to cycle into logic, with a compulsion to express what I’m feeling when I’m feeling it…to healthily share my thoughts, opinions, ideas, expressions of love. And occasionally, that happens. Often though, something stops me. My inner dialogue is that cruel friend I just can’t seem to shake, building me up here and there, just to knock me down from my highest point…never missing an opportunity to remind me how insignificant I am.
They have no interest in your feelings.
Your opinion doesn’t matter.
There’s nothing for you here.
Keep your love, no one wants it.
Suppress.
Suppress.
Suppress.
My younger self was inclined to believe the negative, letting it pile into a mountain of epic proportion. My feelings were only ever shared with the blank pages that awaited them. And even then, I would often lament the trees that not only had to suffer their brutal death…but were now banished to an eternity of bearing the tearful scribbles of whatever bullshit my heart was bleeding onto their surface. Where else could I turn though? By that point my life had rapidly transitioned from childhood fear to adult worry. I was a kid lugging around grown-up baggage that I wouldn’t fully understand for many years to come. Silence became my key to survival.
Though hard-fought, over time I eventually learned to trust. Maybe not completely, but enough to begin to open up in some ways. Slowly but surely, I began to share pieces of myself. There was even a time when I so thoroughly enjoyed the lightness of unburdening my troubled heart, I displayed it for the world to see. I published my first website, sharing the years of poetry I had hidden myself within. But still, I guarded my deepest layers, never letting anyone beyond what I viewed as the point of no return. Never trusting anyone to love me enough to withstand the emotional storms ahead.
Even now, my first instinct is almost always to stay silent. Still finding blank pages easier than looking someone I love in the eye and sharing my truth. I’ve become too comfortable with words, and far too self-aware. So when that frantic energy reaches the point of expulsion, you are never prepared. I overwhelm you with how rapidly I can articulate my feelings, how passionately they pour from my soul, and how effortlessly I can float out the deepest of my emotions, as if just making a passing comment on the weather.
I am raw.
I am honest.
I am vulnerable.
I’m not for everyone. It’s taken many years to evolve beyond that desire to be liked. I have to constantly push myself out of silence for my own mental health. Some understand that, most don’t. Openly talking about emotions is still stigmatized. When I share a part of myself with you, it is never done lightly. I don’t do it for a reaction. I never say things just to say them. When I tell you I love you, it’s because I mean it. My love comes from the deepest part of my being and is what I feel most strongly. I try to use all my pent up emotional energy to not just express it, but to show people my love. When I share my pain, or darkness, or trauma, it is with purpose, whether to show you that I understand you, or to help you understand me. Those are difficult places for me to visit, but I go there because they are a part of me and drawing on them is necessary to heal from them.
To feel is human. Expressing your feelings is natural. Too often we let fear hold us back. Fear of judgment. Fear of ridicule. Fear of rejection. Fear of being misunderstood. Fear of making people uncomfortable. Fear of the truth. Fear of hurting someone. Fear of being hurt.
Every moment we spend living in fear, or suppressing feelings, or avoiding conversations, or hiding from the truth, is time wasted.
It keeps us from freedom.
It keeps us from true happiness.
Live true.
Be free.
Emote.
