Original Facebook post – October 3, 2013
Yesterday marked 9 years since I first paired a red shirt with khaki pants. I was 22, and had been living in Southern California for a year. That first year had left me in quite a depression. I was lost, sad, and longing for my heart to feel light again. It was decided that getting back to something familiar, like the workforce, would help me start climbing out of the hole of misery I had submerged myself in. I was interviewing for a management position at some home decor shop when my Aunt spotted the “Now Hiring” sign on the big glass doors, with the dull red metal frame. I declined. She insisted. I submitted the application, picked up the red phone, and was asked if I had time to wait to be interviewed. After 45 minutes the store manager felt bad that I had been left waiting so long, and interviewed me himself. It felt more like a conversation than an interview, maybe because I had no desire to work there. I didn’t have that need to go through the awkward charade of selling myself. I was offered the job, and began a week later. All the while, I was still putting in applications, because I had no intention of staying there. The first month kind of reinforced that thought process. I left the store in tears on more than one occasion, and almost walked out a few times. I was yelled at for being too detail-oriented, for missing breaks, and for being too quiet. For the first few weeks I had a hard time connecting with anyone, and decided to keep to myself. I was convinced I needed to pursue another job more aggressively, because this endeavor had just shifted me to a new level of depression. As October came to an end, I found my first friend. We were closing softlines on Halloween night. It was completely dead in the store, leaving two timid girls folding children’s clothes in deafening silence. At some point one of us broke the silence, and it has ceased to exist ever since. Shortly thereafter I was part of a store chat session. Most of it consisted of the more veteraned team members and leaders speaking their minds and arguing. Toward the end, the store manager posed a question to me directly. I saw one of the leaders roll their eyes, and almost let that intimidate me into staying quiet. Almost. Instead I spoke for 15 minutes. Mostly about the quality of their leadership, and the lack of respect and professionalism they were demonstrating every day. I confessed that I didn’t want to stay there because of how I was treated, and what I had bore witness to. By the end I had left most of them speechless. When I think back on it, I realize that it was a defining moment in my journey to adulthood. I had often stood up for the people I love, but rarely had I stood up for myself. My life completely changed after that. My doormat days were over. And while that may have hindered my financial progression since, it has allowed my personal growth to soar. I was free of the chains that held me back for so long, from the voices that assured me no one wanted to hear what I had to say. I don’t have to kiss anyone’s ass to gain respect, commitment, or compliance. I don’t have to throw people under buses to hide my incompetence. There are no people I would ever need to step on to get where I’m going. I don’t need to compromise myself or my nature to gain favor, or force relationships. The people who love me, love me for me. I have been incredibly fortunate to be able to show my truest colors to those I work/have worked with over the years, and receive amazing gifts of friendship in return. As much as I start to fantasize about what my life would have been like if I had quit when I wanted to, I never get very far before I am overwhelmed with all of the memories of love and laughter the last 9 years have brought me. To everyone who has contributed to those memories, and helped me become the woman I am, thank you. ♥
