Original Instagram Post – October 11, 2018
2 weeks ago I awoke to the news that my Aunt Arlene had passed away. She was my Dad’s big sister, and the only surviving member of their core family. Couple that with her being diagnosed with the same stage of a similar cancer to my mom, a few months after my mom had been diagnosed, and I was ill-prepared for the emotional places I would venture. At first my heart broke for my cousins. We grew up together, more like siblings than cousins at times. I know how deep, and far-reaching the pain of losing a parent is, and I ache for anyone who goes through it, especially those I love. Grief is an unpredictable rollercoaster, and we all ride it differently. I worry about the twists and turns that await them, and wish it were something I could ease, but I know from experience that it isn’t. I began to panic about the condition of my own mother. She doesn’t do the things she needs to do to take care of herself, and with cancer, a sudden turn for the worst is exactly that. I have lived in constant fear of losing her since January, and this has been a harsh reminder of how quickly that day could come. What has been the most unexpected for me though, is the deep sense of loss I feel. Loss for my Aunt, of course, because even though we have spent the last few years estranged, my memory is long and unyielding. Joyous memories have endured. But I’ve also felt a great loss of my Dad. His family is gone. That is startling for me. And while I can find some level of peace that they are all together again, the thought that their family unit now only exists in memory, has tears streaming down my face. There isn’t anyone to recount stories of his oft-ridiculous misadventures through youth. His grandparents are gone. His parents are gone. His childhood best friend, my Godfather, is gone. And now his big sister, the last true tether, is gone. I don’t know how to be okay with that yet. I am grateful for the time we had as a family. We were small, but mighty. I am grateful that they have each other in death, because my Dad loved his sister immensely. Thinking that they’re once again in the arms of their mother paints a picture my heart can hold on to. 💗 #RIP #MyHeartsAMess #FamilyReunion #FuckCancer
