Part III
We exist in a time of revolution and revelation. The world at large is waking up, and in turn, we as humans are evolving. Growing up in the 80s and early 90s, society, or at least my exposure to it, felt monotonous. I was born of the blood of black sheep though. From the start I was encouraged to be my own person, follow my heart, and reminded that I was no better or worse than anyone else because of it. Whether it was the drugs, or good parenting, I’ll never be sure, but my parents shaped my free spirit and pursuit of genuine happiness. Through the years, admittedly, that journey has taken some dark/unpleasant/lonely turns, but I have stayed true to who I am, and what I want, even when it would have been easier, and some may say wiser, to give up the quest.
Occasionally you must turn the page on something that seems good, because it isn’t what you truly want or need…and that’s okay.
When asked what they’d like to be when they grew up, many of my childhood friends responded with answers like “Singer! Barbie! WWF Wrestler!” I wanted to start in the Army, and then join the police force, eventually becoming a homicide detective. I loved being creative, and entertaining people, finding much of my childhood joy on the stage…but even back then it wasn’t something I pictured myself doing as an adult. There wasn’t excitement or intrigue at the thought of it…there wasn’t passion. Through the years those dreams changed and evolved, but regardless of what the next iterations were, the fundamental core was always the same; I wanted to help people. That is my passion. That is what makes me truly happy.
I’ve been working at the lowest level of the same industry for 20 years. And when that thought catches me on the wrong day, my Depression grabs onto it and runs wild. I have to remind myself that it’s my choice though. I’ve made it many times throughout the years. I’ve had options, and opportunities, some that came close to luring me away as I followed trails of dollar signs. Even when those opportunities would have sated my desire for financial freedom, nothing about them ever spoke to my passion to help people. For me, that sacrifice wasn’t worth it. I’ve always chosen fulfillment over prosperity.
Fulfillment may not always pay the bills, so there have been times of immense struggle. When that happens in your adulthood, there is a twinge of shame that comes along with it. We don’t want people to know, afraid they’ll judge us, afraid that they’ll think we’re less, destined for lectures by the supposed well-meaning. “When are you going to get a REAL job?” “You need to do something with your life!” “You should go back to school, you’re wasting your potential!” Are you happy though? Do you enjoy your job? Are you fulfilled by it? Do you work with people you love? Do you get shown appreciation by the people you doing your job influences? Do you care about what you do? Do you take pride in it? Or, are you just there to collect a paycheck? If I must work to earn money, then for me, it needs to be doing something that I enjoy. I happen to enjoy my job. Weird, I know. But it mostly pays my bills and affords me time to do the things I love that wouldn’t pay my bills. How I decide to spend the time in my life may not fit your idea of how time in life should be spent, but rest assured, that’s your problem, not mine. As the years pass, I have an easier time accepting responsibility for my life choices, and care less and less about what other people think of them.
I have met very few people who are genuinely happy. I think we’re conditioned to go after “The American Dream” from a young age, before we even know for sure what it is, and if we want it. My generation seems to be starting to realize this more and more though, going back to school and/or changing career paths in their thirties. We are dissuaded from dreaming as we become adults, but why? Fear of failure? Ridicule? Is that a valid enough reason to not even try? As a society we have accepted that there is some level of misery that comes with living…but would that be true if we followed our hearts in our careers, in our spare time, and in our relationships?
As much as I have lamented the barren wasteland known as my love life, the truth is a little more complex. While a multitude of situations/people throughout my existence have made me feel unlovable, unwanted, and undesirable, ultimately, I know that hasn’t always been the case. In the more harrowing phases of my Depression, I fully subscribe to that idea. No one has ever loved me, and they never will. Sometimes I wish that were true, because somehow it would be less painful. I have been loved, by both a sweetheart, and a monster. There may have been a few others sprinkled in, by my estimates though, none of them knew me well enough to love me…or at least according to my idea of what love should be. I’ve spoken of the monster in a previous post, and truth be told, a couple of those sprinkles weren’t given a chance to blossom and grow because I was so obnoxiously consumed with that relationship.
He was the first person to ever make me feel loved/wanted/desired. He stimulated me mentally and challenged me emotionally. I was convinced he was everything I wanted, and that I was in love…until the night he gripped my inner thigh and motioned me toward his bed. I didn’t have the presence of mind to realize what had triggered me so emotionally in that moment, but my amygdala signaled an internal alarm loud enough for me to physically jump in reaction to it. Years would pass before I fully understood the psychological shift that took place that night. At the very least, in that moment though, I knew that wasn’t what I truly wanted, and I left. I would go back and forth on that in the following 2 years, my heart often circling back to that night, but still struggling to get on the same page as my mind. That inner voice of insecurity, insisting that I was wrong, and that I didn’t know what I wanted. “Sure, he can be an asshole, and treat you like shit, but maybe that’s what you deserve. Maybe he’s all you get in this life. No one else will ever love you. No one else will ever want you. It’s him, or nothing.” Perhaps that was true, but eventually I decided it was a risk I was willing to take. Years passed before the full scope of his horrific nature was revealed, and I can’t help but thank whoever twisted the cosmos in favor of saving me that night.
By the time the sweetheart came along, I had resigned myself to a life of perpetual loneliness. Our friendship was satisfying, built on laughter and common interests. We came from different places, and had drastically different life experiences, so we never ran out of things to talk about. Conversations could go from comedically absurd, to emotionally heavy, and back again instantaneously. We had a mutual friend who would joke about us getting married someday…and to me that sounded ridiculous. I was the unlovable, after all, so severely damaged by that point, I was completely blind to what was in front of me. What I assumed was his normal version of friendship and kindness, was love. The small handful of people I’ve recounted the story to over the years recognized it instantly and wondered how I missed something so obvious. But I had, in every possible way. And when the day came that he spelled it out for me, I was caught completely off-guard. There aren’t many things I would go back and change in my life, because I know everything has a reason, I would change how I responded in that moment though. Not necessarily for a different outcome, but to get there without the hurt feelings and loss of friendship.
There was a part of me that relished the idea of it/him/us…but if it were something my heart had truly desired, wouldn’t it have made itself known in some way previously? Wouldn’t I have felt joy at his revelation instead of shock and confusion? That voice of insecurity tried to sway my thought process again. “You’re friends, and you love him, so shouldn’t you give it a chance to see where it could go? Maybe you aren’t IN love with him now, but that doesn’t mean you won’t get there! This may be your only opportunity for happiness! No one else will ever love you, I’m not even sure how he could!” Round and round my inner-dialogue went, but I couldn’t ignore the pieces that were missing. I felt as though even giving it a try would be settling. Not that he was less than I deserved, truthfully, he was probably more, but settling for less than what I yearned for in my heart, in my mind, and in my bones. I have no doubt that we would’ve achieved some form of happy, I’m not here for that though. My quest has been for happiness of the truest variety, and for me that could only happen through a connection that set my soul aflame.
Afterward, I began to question my ideas on happiness regarding love. I’m extremely instinctual. But what if my instinct has been wrong all these years? Maybe I was chasing an idea of something that doesn’t exist or was mistaken in what that kind of connection would feel like. Maybe I created an ideal that could never be met, so that it would never be met. What the fuck is wrong with me?! My heart shut down for a while. I had turned away the gift of love, I’d probably be punished for that, though I didn’t know how it would manifest itself. Doomed to a lifetime of unrequited love? Never to be loved again? To only be loved by monsters? Did I deserve that though? Was I really wrong for listening to my heart? In the years to come I received hints to keep hope alive, little sparks of the connection I imagined…just enough to let me know that it IS real. Knowing that it exists was enough for me to let go of the regret, and the what-ifs. Even if it never amounts to anything for me, I know that I’ve stayed true to myself, to my beliefs, and that I’ve never settled for less than my heart’s desire.
Life is difficult to navigate. It’s hard to know for sure that you’ve made the right decisions. Any time I have questioned mine though, in one way or another the answer is revealed. It’s happened enough for me to accept that if it were meant to be different, it would have been. Follow those dreams, they’ll either work out, or they won’t. You’ll end up where you were meant to be, regardless. If you love someone, do it with your whole heart, otherwise, what’s the point? If you aren’t happy, find the courage to change that, and if you’re only happy-ish, figure out what it will take to illuminate your soul, and do it. Our time on this rotating space fragment is brief. My hope for you, Dear Reader, is that you make the most of it.
