I’m not the girl you knew.
If I’m being honest, you never really knew her.
It isn’t your fault. I didn’t know her either.
For most of my life I feared what she had to say.
I feared her history.
I feared her memories.
I wasn’t ready to face her.
I wasn’t ready to face her reality.
I wasn’t ready to face our truth.
I kept her suppressed.
I buried her deep.
Left to live in the darkness of our past forever.
It was easier that way.
It was easier to act normal.
It was easier to live for you.
To cater to your needs.
To put such an effort into building your life, you never inquired about mine.
It was easier that way.
Hidden.
I kept myself busy to avoid the silence.
But in the stillness, she would find me.
Every night I would take on her tears.
I would drown in her pain.
Her heartache.
Her suffering.
Her fear.
She was broken.
Shattered.
I hid from her to avoid collateral damage.
Not realizing that I was the collateral damage.
A shell.
Going through motions.
Never truly connecting because I wasn’t connected.
It took a long time to open the door.
And even longer to step through.
I am still working on embracing her.
Accepting her.
Understanding that I am her.
That though it is a part of me, I am not my darkness.
But it was needed.
To amplify my light.
