When I was a little girl, the only certainty I felt about my future was uncertainty. I had daydreams and fantasies about how my life would play out, but they changed constantly. Deep in my soul, even as a child, I knew my existence would never be a normal one, so naturally that’s what I yearned for. The older I grew, the more obvious it became that I was different. The way I saw things, the way I felt things, my perception of the world and the people in it, never fully aligned with those around me. I have always felt alone. Misunderstood. Defective. Even when I share connections with people, we always reach a point when I become too much. Good. Bad. Light. Dark. Honest. Withdrawn. Vulnerable. Sarcastic. Self-righteous. Hopeful. Independent. Too much me. I spent a long time trying to adapt, to fit the mold, to be whomever I was told I should be. I wanted to be that girl. To feel loved, accepted, and appreciated for who I was, flaws and all…but that never came to fruition, no matter how much I would curve the road to bend in favor of whatever I was told I needed to be. Over the last few years I’ve realized more and more how much I have compromised myself in the pursuit of normalcy, the pursuit of traditional happiness. I’ve wasted so much time trying to be who I thought I was supposed to be, I never took the time to appreciate who I actually am. There are doors I will never be able to walk through, experiences I’ll never get to have. And I still don’t know if they’re even the things I truly wanted, but they landed differently when they were choices that could be made. I know I’m wherever I’m meant to be, but I have found myself wondering where I could have been, if I had made peace with my inner chaos earlier in life. My hope for you, Dear Reader, is that you face those demons, you heal that trauma, you love yourself for who you are, and genuinely appreciate the people in your life who feel the same. Your brand of weird is the perfect fit for the puzzle intended for you. 🖤
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