For as long as I can remember, my existence has been one of internal duality…a continuous clash of self-love and self-loathing. My positive attributes have mostly remained unchanged since childhood. I was celebrated for my kindness, my intelligence, my humor. The world around me loved those things about me, so I grew to love those things about me. Concurrently, there has always been a sector of the world who designated my value solely based on my appearance. Since childhood there have been people, sometimes even complete strangers, who have gone out of their way to tell me that I’m ugly. And just as the positive shaped my self image, so did the negative. I grew up believing in who I am as a person, but detesting the physical representation of it. People have tried to downplay it over the years, never fully understanding the scope of what I’ve dealt with, how hateful people can be, and the profound effect that can have on the human psyche. At a certain point I decided to wear my confidence on the outside, determined to never again give my bullies the satisfaction of seeing the fruits of their labor. It didn’t lessen the damage inflicted, but it started a hard-fought journey to taking back my power. Part of that path has been my social media presence. I have always had a lot to say, but insecurity kept me silent for many years. The confidence I had in my words was overshadowed by the fear I had of my appearance. I have hated my face for almost my entire life. Every time I’ve shared a selfie, it’s been for myself, trying to strengthen my bond with that girl. Trying to accept her. Trying to love her. Trying to remind myself that she, like everyone else, holds a significant space in this world that deserves to be seen. I’m nowhere near where I want to be, but I’m learning to love her in bits and pieces…and that’s okay. 🖤
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